It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
