Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
