There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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