I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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