come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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