He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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