I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
