When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
