Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
