my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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