They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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