Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
