i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
