The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
