a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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