she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize