Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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