The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
