So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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