non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
