he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
