dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
