I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
