Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
