thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
