Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
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I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
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He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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