I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
