is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Randomize
