You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
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on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
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If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??