I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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