Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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