I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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