He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
