My friends, they love my intelligence
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
