I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
