Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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