Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
