haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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