you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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