I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
