omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
