It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
