if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
