I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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