There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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