halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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