my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
