so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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