My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
