i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
