The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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