You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
