I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
