Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
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