No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
